Most of you, at some point in your self-contained little lives, will massage elbows with celebrity. Maybe you will wait patiently in line for a supermodel’s autograph. Maybe you will shake palms with a sports hero after a chance meeting at a bar or restaurant. And maybe you will drum up an elaborate scheme to steal David Letterman’s car and then claim that he’s the father of your love offspring, all the while leaving twats and empty whiskey bottles on his foyer. Whatever the case, it is a moment you will forever cherish and one that you will be quick to divulge to pals and acquaintances or bailiff when a spontaneous game of one-upmanship rears its competitive head. Massaging elbows with celebrity is one thing, but not many of us can say we bumped uglies with pop culture royalty. In some cases, with apologies to Mr. Letterman, you simply wouldn’t want to. Though, very lucky members of Fuck-a-fan can. A proud sponsor of the male libido and one totally outrageous concept, fuckafan.com is the brainchild of pre-eminent smut broker Jim Powers and Porno Dan Leal. Though the name sounds like a ebony market form of Viagra or some other erectile dysfunction medication, the site purports to give dozens of fans each month the fling of a lifetime with their favorite adult stars. As proof, just in case your buddies think you are full of shit, the whole encounter is captured on film. Then it is released for the entertainment of the masses just in case your enemies think you’re full of shit too. Fuck a Fan 2 is the second installment of what will hopefully be a long-running series. To say it’s entertaining is an understatement. It has all the elements of a successful reality series: resident experts, novice participants, bright lights, nervous tension and the powerful undercurrent of potential disaster, something that has made American Idol so damn watchable over the years. It all makes for completely raw and unpredictable porn, where anything can go wrong and sometimes does. A young buck named Tucker, for instance, gets so over-stimulated while he is drilling idol Nina Hartley in doggie, he pops his load inside her instead of outside for the camera. Her reaction is nice, but she should be commended for her restraint. You get the feeling she wants to strangle him not only for spoiling the money shot, but for not announcing that he was about to cum. It’s true the man should have been a bit more courteous, but as a rookie on a porn set with an intimidating figure like Nina, the result is understandable. What transpires is a bit uncomfortable to see, but that’s what makes this whole idea so brilliant. In a second scene, Whitney Stevens’ “big winner” is revealed to her and you can almost see the precise moment when her hopes for a burly stud muffin get crushed. She’s obviously not into the boy-friend from the get go. It’s hard to say why exactly, as he seems innocently goofy enough. Methinks it’s his wardrobe that raises some severely checkered and color-mismatched flags. But, that is just window dressing. The real issue may be the fact that his porn IQ is scraping rock bottom. For instance, after taking the time to do a bit of a strip tease for him, she is primed to start giving head his cock, as is standard operating procedure. But, before she can say “mmmphfmmfphmphmffh” he pulls her on top of him for some 69 so he can look at her booty while she sucks. She is stunned as much as she’s appalled and the scene degenerates from there. It culminates with his slow, extremely awkward humping technique, which has “I’ve seen sloths, both the 2-toed and 3-toed varieties fuck faster than that” written all over it in huge, blocky 52-point font. The crew takes drastic action, whisking poor Tom off screen to let Porno Dan himself handle the fucking duties, as the mate is simply not up to the task. He does re-appear sporadically to get his prick sucked and he does get to cum onto Whitney. After all, he did win the contest for chrissakes. Even better is the fact that his cum cannon fires directly into her eye, producing a mono-vision deer-in-headlights look on the face of Whitney. It makes an awkward situation almost unbearable for her and for the viewer. But once again, this is why we watch. A couple of the boy-friends do a very valuable job performing under such strange and imposing circumstances. One mate, a construction worker named Joe, is even hung like a pornstar, dropping a full nine inches into Cindy Crawford much to her liking. “Jack” gets to do the nasty with the interminably purdy Ann Marie Rios. His arrogance is palpable, however it could be chalked up to a severe case of nerves. He’s quickly humbled by her hot booty and oral skills. She toys with his infatuation and his pole, going at it like a dog tossing around a rag bone. The great thing about this Spanish darling is that she’s absolutely impulsive. She might be convincingly coy one second, then completely in your face the next. You never know whether she is going to kiss you or slap you, and she is liable to say just about anything when she is fucking at full tilt. In this case, she even breaks into her native tongue, which is unbearably sexy. But the best scene, for perhaps all the worst reasons, is the last one starring a mate named Tony, who gets hooked up with Natasha Good. He is the quintessential “lovable loser” who came up a few numbers short in the genetic lottery, but makes up for it with his supreme confidence. Originally from Romania, he has lived in California for the past Twenty years and states that he was born to be a porn star. As you can imagine it is the tutor wreck (or in this case speeding van wreck) from which you can’t turn away. You actually find yourself feeling constrained for him because of the way Natasha glances at the camera. It is a look of pity mixed with condescension. Without saying a word, she and the crew are laughing at him and he is the only one not in on the joke. But, hey, he’s living the fantasy. Fans of Gonzo and reality shows will gravitate towards this series, however there is enough entertainment value here to appeal to just about everyone. Aside from the great concept, the beauties are worthwhile. This volume sports an icon, a Spaniard, a sprite, a bitch and a slut, creating a sort of Breakfast Club bizarro line-up. Plus, the fucking isn’t entirely vanilla, with a bit of ass fingering and tit fucking thrown in for fine measure. These men aren’t professionals nevertheless, so there are some natural limitations to what they are capable of. If there is one drawback, it has to be the shameless plugs given to the Fuck a Fan website throughout. In addition to the rather large and unsightly logo that remains in the bottom corner like that of most cable channels, there are gratuitous shout outs galore at the starting and end of each scene, including one while a chick is getting scored. It is a bit much. On the other palm, a site that requires its users to be the talent needs new users cycled through continuously to survive. Therefore, it is a bit understandable why the two hosts are compelled to promote non-stop, but it doesn’t make it any less annoying. If you’ve ever thought you had the right porn stuff, this is your chance. Quit reading this and go immediately to register at FAF. You just might be one of the lucky few to fondle elbows and bump uglies with your favorite star in the next installment. Otherwise, you’ll have to resort to autograph sessions and chance meetings like the relax of us. Whatever you do, please, no stalking. If you can’t help yourself, at least leave David Letterman alone. He is had enough of that to last several lifetimes. And if you need reasons why you shouldn’t, just ask him. He’s surely got 10 of ’em.
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